


And Now Listen, Little Child, To The Safety Rail

by revenblue



Category: Epithet Erased (Cartoon), Milo Murphy's Law
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crossover Pairings, Ducks, F/M, POV Third Person Omniscient, Sorry Not Sorry, Soulmate Duck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23604139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Anatidaephobia: the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.But sometimes, a duck isn't just a duck.
Relationships: Elliot Decker/Mera Salamin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	And Now Listen, Little Child, To The Safety Rail

Elliot Decker didn't like ducks. For one thing, they were _unsafe_ , and he, as the self-appointed Safety Czar, could not abide that. Safety was his mission, his reason for being. He'd make the city, and later, the world, safe, if it was the last thing he did!

Secondly, they hated him too.

Which was why he was running, almost tripping over unsafe stray leaves on the path in his quest to get away from the foul creature behind him. This happened a lot. More than he would have expected, if not for the Murphy kid's presence plaguing the city.

But that's another story. _This_ story is about him, a duck, and the universe conspiring (for non-Murphy reasons) for him to meet his soulmate.

So let us return to Elliot, being chased by the duck. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed, which was normal for someone being chased by an angry bird that's decided it doesn't like your face. "This is a safety violation! I'm going to need to write you up for this!" he continued, which was not.

The duck didn't care about this. It's a duck, all it cares about is ~~hatred~~ keeping intruders out of its territory.

Pulling out his notebook anyway, Elliot began to make good on his threat, writing up the duck _while he was running_ for whatever safety violations he could think of. And he could think of a lot.

He'd also had a lot of practice at writing legibly while running, a necessary skill for the self-appointed Safety Czar in a city where a _Murphy_ lived. Many things had chased him over the years, from the mundane (ducks) to the odd (decommissioned truck rolling down a hill), and that was an average day. And that wasn't even getting into the time a vampire clothes dryer wanted his sock. Just one sock. The left one, specifically.

Alas, his skill at looking where he was going while being chased was, well, not so practised. Mostly because the inhabitants of the city were long in the habit of moving out of the way when someone, usually a Murphy, was running for their life. It happened a _lot_.

Unfortunately, newcomers to the city had not yet developed this necessary skill, and so he ran into one Lady Mera Salamin. Not literally.

Only the quick reactions of Indus "Mr Barrior" Tarbella prevented what would have been a disastrous collision (for Elliot), and so Elliot smacked straight into a mystical (dun dun DUNNNN) barrier. Just ran right into it.

"Are you okay, Lady Mera?" Indus asked his companion, concern evident on his face. After all, Mera seemed as if she was made of broken shards of glass. Small and sharp.

Behind him, Elliot slid down the barrier, ending up in a sad heap on the ground. A heap the duck promptly perched on, for optimal pecking range. Peck, and bite, and otherwise attack the familiar safety jacket and its unfortunate wearer.

"There's a _duck_ , Indus, what do you _think _?" Mera snapped, fear giving her words a sharper edge. "_ Deal_ with it, would you?"

Indus, ever the gentle giant, dismissed his barrier and picked up the duck in both large hands, _not_ getting pecked, bitten, or otherwise attacked for his troubles, to the surprise of both Mera and Elliot. Whispering softly to the duck, he left in search of somewhere safe to put it.

And so, Mera was left alone with Elliot.

"I always _tell_ people they're a _safety hazard_ ," Elliot muttered as he dusted himself off, "but no one ever seems to _believe_ me-"

"I believe you."

Elliot blinked in surprise. "You do?" No one else had ever acknowledged the validity of his quest to rid the world of danger before.

"Ugh, of _course_ I do. I _hate_ ducks. They're _small_ and _fast_ and _bite people_ -"

"You too?"

A match made in heaven, truly. Soulmates, throughout time and space, brought together each time by the great Soulmate Duck.

In a world with a Soulmate Duck, however unknown to society at large, is a fear of ducks just a fear of ducks or is it a refusal of destiny instead? An insistence on forging their own path? Had its existence been known, philosophers would have expounded at length upon this very subject.

In the meantime, in our story, Mera had mentioned wanting to sit down, on a conveniently nearby bench. Elliot's response, as befitting a self-proclaimed Safety Czar:

"No, stop, it's not _safe_." Holding his hand up to stop her, he'd pulled out his tape and covered _every_ edge on the entire bench until there was no way anyone could injure themself on a corner. Only then did he relent so she could sit.

Mera's eyes shone with what she would deny were tears, if anyone ever asked (which Elliot wouldn't), and sat down. No one she'd met had ever cared so much about her _safety_ before. Even Indus, as handy as he was with barriers (she admitted to herself reluctantly), hadn't gone to this level of commitment. And so, as Elliot sat beside her on the newly-protected bench, she made her decision.

Throwing all caution to the wind, she took his head in her hands and kissed him.

Elliot, having never been kissed before (forehead kisses from his mother don't count), promptly panicked. About safety.

"Obstruction of breathing, that's a _safety hazard_ ," he gasped, fumbling for his notebook. "I'm going to need to write you up for that- Where did I put my notebook?" Alas, it was still on the ground, where he'd fallen that first time.

"You know what, forget I ever said anything," Mera muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose to ward off yet another headache. " _Indus!_ "

Barely a second later, Indus trotted up obediently, having finished his important task of relocating the duck to a nearby pond. The duck had been very appreciative. In that it only tried to bite him once, on principle. "Yes, Lady Mera?"

Mera stood, turning her back on Elliot, not that he noticed. "Indus, we're leaving."

And, well, that was that. Romance is dead, destiny means nothing, sometimes a duck is just a duck, et cetera. And they would never see each other again. The end.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from [The Llama Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMYN4djSq7o) by Burton Earny, for Milo Murphy's Law-related reasons. Yes, _that_ Llama Song.
> 
> For anyone unfamiliar with MML: Basically, season 1 may or may not have been consciously and deliberately written to align with The Llama Song. No official confirmation, but I'm convinced. ~~We don't talk about season 2. At least, I don't.~~


End file.
